How to talk to yourself

and the truth about the voice in your head

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If a friend talked to you the way you talk to yourself… how long would they still be your friend?

The truth is, a lot of us have struggled (or currently struggle) with negative self talk. Myself included.

You know, that nagging voice in your head that tells you you’re a screw up for showing up late, or failing a test, or missing that promotion.

Which is strange because we would never say these things to other people…

If a friend showed up late, you wouldn’t berate them and insult them.

(Unless you’re a really crappy friend)

And if your friend was feeling insecure about their appearance, you wouldn’t pile on and tell them:

“Yeah your hair IS balding, but you’re also getting fat”.

But these are the exact things we do in our mind… and then we wonder why we’re so unhappy, or why we don’t feel good in our own skin.

When I finally admitted I had an issue with self talk, it was after years of reading self-development books and thinking I was a pretty positive guy.

But when I was alone with my thoughts, I would slip to a negative place.

I’d ruminate on all the things I’ve screwed up, on dumb things I said a decade ago, or on little imperfections.

Luckily, I found ways to fix my self talk, starting with realizing who the voice of judgement in my mind really is.

That Little Voice Isn’t You

We assume that the voice in our head is us, but is it?

Stick with me for a second, but if the little voice in your mind is you… then who’s the person listening?

Who’s the person who “hears” the internal chatter?

This is one of the most valuable lessons I learned in the book “The Untethered Soul”…

The thoughts in your mind aren’t you.

You are the the one who observes the thoughts.

Understand that the negative voice in your head is the culmination of years of societal messaging, criticism, and bullying, personified into a pain in the ass chatterbox in your brain.

When you were born, you didn’t have this. Two year olds don’t walk around complaining they’re pudgy, or that their teeth aren’t straight, or worried about their outfit.

We pick these things up along the way.

At some point in your life (probably when you were a kid), someone told you there was something wrong with you.

Next thing you know you’re an adult, and you hate things about yourself because some kids who could barely read and write made fun of you decades ago.

It sounds silly, but our minds are vulnerable when we’re young, and when we get older we forget that the critical voice wasn’t there the whole time.

So next time the voice of doubt or criticism comes up in your head, try to question who is really talking.

Is it really you… or is it the voice of a parent, an old classmate, or an ex you had?

Separate yourself from the negative voice in your head, realize it’s not you, and then you can use the next technique to change the way you think.

Replace Every Negative Thought

Trying to stop yourself from having negative thoughts is basically impossible.

A better method is to replace every negative thought with a positive one.

I learned this exercise in the book “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself” by Shad Helmstetter, and it immediately shifted the way I think.

It’s easy enough to use too. Every time you have a negative thought, catch yourself and say something positive instead.

So if you have a thought like:

“I messed up at work again. I’m the worst. I’m never going to get this.”

You stop and replace it with something positive:

“No. That’s not true. I learn from every mistake and continue to get better.”

Challenge the negative thought outright “No. That’s not true”, and replace it with the truth.

A word of caution though, the goal isn’t to sugarcoat every thought and become delusional. The thought should be true, not just positive for the sake of being positive.

The goal is to make your thoughts more aligned with reality.

If you yell at your partner cause you’re frustrated, you don’t wanna tell yourself:

“I’m the worse. I’m such a bad partner. No one is ever going to love me.”

That’s not helpful at all. It leads to no action, and doesn’t encourage change.

But on the flip side you don’t want to say,

“I’m a great partner. I’m so loveable and kind! My partner is lucky to have me!”

If that wasn’t true in the moment.

A more positive, but still honest, thought would be this:

“I shouldn’t have taken my frustration out on my partner. I need to do better about expressing my emotions. I’m going to apologize to them and commit to do better next time.”

When you practice replacing every negative thought with a better one, it becomes automatic.

It will change the way you think.

I rarely have negative thoughts about myself these days, and when I do they feel wrong… almost gross.

I immediately counter them with a more helpful thought.

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An unexpected benefit of improving your self talk, is that you actually become better at giving yourself constructive feedback.

Instead of jumping to extremes of “I suck. I’m ugly. blah blah blah”

You can give yourself honest feedback.

“I really have been slacking on my work this week.”

“I’ve gained more weight than I like, and I’d feel better if I got back in shape.”

Your inner voice becomes a supportive friend that can keep it real with you, not a voice that tears you down.

You start to improve yourself from a place of love, not a place of feeling like you’re not enough.

Talk to yourself the way you would want a friend to talk to you. Loving, supportive, honest, and kind.

It makes your mind a much happier place to be.

Thanks for reading,

– Josh