On Anger
Imagine the last time you were in a heated argument…
Maybe it’s your spouse, a friend, your kid, but voices are raised, frustration is high, and things could get ugly…
But now imagine that the phone rings, and it’s your boss.
Your mind goes to all the reasons they’d be calling…
When you pick up the phone and say: “Hello”
How is your voice?
Are you still angry and yelling? (highly doubtful)
Or has the anger disappeared for the moment?
Now imagine your boss called to congratulate you on your latest project at work, telling you it was a big hit with upper management and you’re getting a promotion.
After some back and forth, you get off the phone and look back to the person you were arguing with.
How do you feel now?
Happy?
Calm?
Do you even remember what you were fighting about?
At this point you have two choices.
You can accept that your mental state has changed, that the anger has passed, and you can work through the conflict with a calm mind.
(maybe it’s not even something to “work through” and instead something to let go)
OR you can remind yourself of all the things that had you so pissed off in the first place, and jump right back into the argument…
What would you do?
I give this scenario to show that anger is a passing state of mind.
A happy call from our boss could easily pull us out of the anger, as could a call from the hospital that a loved one is there. We would instantly stop caring about whatever made us angry, and rush to their side.
So why do we waste our time being angry?
Because let’s be clear, anger is a choice, (or more accurately staying angry is a choice).
… It’s impossible to stay angry without continually making yourself angry.
Philosopher and Neuroscientist Sam Harris explains it like this:
“If you think you can stay angry for a day, or even an hour, without continually manufacturing this emotion, by thinking without knowing that you’re thinking, you are mistaken.”
Because when we get angry, what do we do?
We keep replaying the argument over and over in our head. We think about what we’re going to say, what we should’ve said, or continually remind ourselves what the other person did that made us so angry in the first place.
We think and think and think, until what could’ve been a calm discussion boils into an explosion when we finally address it.
This is far from productive.
There’s no reason to keep ourselves in a heightened state of negative emotion… It feels like crap, and it definitely doesn’t make us better at problem solving.
So how do we get better at managing our anger?
No surprise coming from me, but mindfulness is essential. It helps us experience difficult emotions without letting them overwhelm us.
(I cover some tips on mindfulness here)
But another solution is to simply realize we have a choice.
We are not slaves to our emotions, and taking ownership of how we act, (especially when we’re angry or upset), gives us power.
Even feelings as intense as anger can be handled in a way that’s loving, productive, and leads to better outcomes.
Make the conscious choice that you won’t let your emotions control you, and with practice you’ll get better and better in moments of high emotion.
(At any point when we’re angry we can choose to stop, take a deep breath, and approach the situation in a better way.)
Don’t get me wrong, anger is a useful and necessary emotion.
If someone wrongs you, or if you witness injustice in the world, anger is a powerful motivator for change.
But it should never be in control, and it definitely shouldn’t be used to lash out undeservingly.
Anger is an emotion just like any other. It comes like a wave, and goes just as quickly.
See it, feel it, and then watch it disappear.
Thanks for reading,
– Josh